Tag Archive for scifi channel

New Scifi Christmas Classics!

Due to cutbacks, the PsyPhy Network’s Holiday Classics Crappy Remake Department and their Scifi Classics Cheesy Remake Department have been merged. Here are some of the resulting projects that are now in various stages of production.

A Charlie Brown War of the Worldsmas

Good grief! Aliens invade the earth, and not even Linus’s nuclear-blue slanket can stop them. Charlie Brown tries to escape his new alien masters, but is caught, and Woodstock is roasted as punishment. Charlie is admonished by Lucy (“Charlie, you bonehead! You’ll get us all killed!”), and then is sent out by his masters to fetch biological samples for preservation.

worldsmasCharlie wanders the wasteland that is the invasion’s aftermath, where he discovers his old bioengineered smartpet Snoopy decorating a bomb shelter, and mutant children with abnormally large heads try to capture falling ashes on their tongues for the meager nutrients. At last he stumbles across a group of children huddled in a school auditorium where they sing Christmas carols in the hopes that Santa Claus will save them from the aliens. Inspired to teach the aliens the spirit of Christmas, Charlie takes one of the last surviving pine trees back to the mothership. The aliens quickly succumb to Pine Needle Scale (Chionaspis pinifoliae) and all die, whereupon everyone cheers Charlie Brown as a hero.

Original Classics: A Charlie Brown Christmas & War of the Worlds

The Year that Santa Claus Stood Still

Nobody believes in Santa, so Santa refuses to go anywhere on Christmas Eve. Klatu the elf goes into town with his little reindeer, Gortzen, to give humans one last chance to prove themselves worthy of Christmas. When Klatu is shot and Gortzen is captured by local scientists, it is up to Missus Claus to seek the aid of the Heat Miser, Snow Miser, and Mother Earth to convince the nations of the world to unite in a promise of Christmas cheer, or else die beneath the floods of melted polar ice. In the end, children and grownups everywhere are shouting, “We believe in you Santa! Please, for the love of egg nog, we believe in you!”

Original Classics: The Year without a Santa Claus & The Day the Earth Stood Still

Frosty the Snow Blob

Astrophysicist Professor Hinkle is laughed out of a scientific convention when he claims that his crystal Mayan helmet is really an alien communications device. Frustrated, he throws it away. A group of children find it, and put it on a snowman they made. The snowman promptly comes to life, proclaiming, “Happy birthday! Resistance is futile!” Frosty immediately rolls over the children, absorbing them and growing in size faster than a snowball rolling downhill. Soon, the entire town is threatened, as the snowblob picks up everything in its path like a Christmas Katamari Dam-Icy. Only Santa, a saintly alien who had been guarding against the return of the Frostarians, can stop the snowblob. But can even his vaunted powers succeed?

Original Classics: Frosty the Snow Man & The Blob

Rudolph and This Island Earth of Misfit Toys 2

Rudolph is gifted a bizarre Build a Radio kit. After using his nose to power it he receives a message to fly to the mysterious Island of Misfit Toys, where he finds his old pal Hermey the Elf already there. Rudolph and Hermey are beamed onto a saucer sled by the winged lion Exeter and flown to the planet Northpolia, where they learn that the Northpolians are in danger from the evil Toytakerons.

The Northpolians hope to develop a new weapon to defend their planet before it is destroyed entirely – and the mysterious energy source of Rudolph’s nose is their best hope. But the Toytakerons begin a final assault, bombarding the planet with cheap plastic crap from Christmases past. Rudolf and Hermey battle the abominable snowbrain — a hideous creature made of white fur and a giant exposed brain – and then escape back to earth where they support an entire new merchandising line of toys and Christmas ornaments happily ever after.

Although originally scripted for a 90 minute movie, the actual planned film has been shortened to 17 minutes to allow for more commercial breaks.

Original Classics: Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys & This Island Earth

How the Grinch Snatched Bodies

The Grinch, fed up with Whys in Whysville and their constant laughing and singing and playing games during the holidays, sneaks into everyone’s homes and plants grinchpods in their basements. The pods open in the night and send forth creatures that take over the Whys’ sleeping bodies.

grinchsnatcher

Soon, the Grinchified are stripping all personal joy and meaning out of the season, proposing white elephant exchanges of practical household goods even for personal family gatherings, jetting between holiday parties like club hopping celebrities, declaring themselves sick of holiday songs due to mall music inundation, and taking this year to really focus on themselves since they go all out on others every other year. But one Why, Mindy Ly Why, wakes in the night and realizes what is happening, and attempts to stop it. Will she find others who have not been Grinchified and avoid getting caught? Can she succeed in restoring true holiday spirit? Or will she end up as roast beast?

Original Classics: How the Grinch Stole Christmas & Invasion of the Body Snatchers

When Nestor’s Worlds Collide

Nestor the long eared donkey is horrified when his mother (and several national monuments) are smote by falling meteors. He is taken in by a kind pregnant woman, who is a message courier and needs a reliable method of transportation. She delivers messages between three wise scientists and learns that they have spotted a star in the sky – a star that is rapidly getting closer and is destined to consume the earth in fire. They manage to build a spacecraft, an ark of sorts, to carry a select group of humans to the new planet that is orbiting the coming star of doom.

Oh no! The ship is all full, with no seats for the pregnant woman! But wait — the kind-hearted pilot allows the woman and Nestor to stay in the cargo hold with the livestock and supplies. A child is born as the ship lands on the new planet. The child is named Hope, and seen as a symbol of a fresh start – but will she truly be a herald of hope, or will she only help to carry the bigotries, fears, and superstitions of the human race into the new world?

Only the sequel will tell.

Original Classics: Nestor the Long Eared Donkey & When Worlds Collide

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I originally published this on Fantasy Magazine

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Response to John Wright’s Homophobic Post

 

John C Wright posted a strongly anti-homosexual rant on his blog. After reading the equally negative responses, I felt moved to write a response. When I have time, I may come back and clean this up a bit and add links to supporting evidence and such. But for now I just needed to get something down so it wouldn’t drive me crazy.

 

Mister Wright,

 

Your post and its resultant comments are really on two separate issues:

 

The nature of homosexuality, and

 

The extent to which media corporations should feel or be obliged to attempt fair and representational depictions of non-dominant groups (specifically homosexuals in this case).

 
 

Read My Response …

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The Problem with SCI FI Original Movies

“SCI FI Saturday: The most dangerous night of television!”

You can say that again.  With a few exceptions that are based on quality fiction (such as the Dune movies), SCI FI Original Movies are an astounding mixture of cultural insensitivity, historical inaccuracy, disregard for actual science, horrible acting, and home-computer quality effects.  Which is too bad, because they could do so much better.

In fact, they are so bad that a variety of drinking games have sprung up around watching them, both to make them more interesting, and to simultaneously dull the pain.

Here’s my own little game for ya’ (drinking is optional).

Below are a few SCI FI Original Movie descriptions. Some of them are real. Others I just made up. Can you guess which are which?


1. AZTEC REX: The Aztecs summoned a Tyrannosaurus Rex to keep Cortes (Ian Ziering from ‘90210′) and his army out of Mexico. Now they need the Conquistadors’ help to stop the T-Rex from killing them all – and to save the beautiful Aztec princess (played by sexy Nepalese actress Dichen Lachman).

2. Night of the Three-Eyed Cyclops: When archeologist Zip Steel uncovers an ancient Greek pyramid, he finds he’s found the find of a lifetime. But when the pyramid’s guardian awakens, it will be one dark and stormy night for Zip and the beautiful belly dancer-turned-translator Jenny Jenson. Can they survive long enough to find the heart of the pyramid’s maze, and gain the power of Pluto’s Diadem?

3. Earthstorm: When an asteroid slams into the moon, cataclysmic aftereffects threaten to destroy Earth. Scientists call on demolitions expert John Redding (Stephen Baldwin) to save the day. Dirk Benedict and Anna Silk co-star.

4. Dragons of Elsinore: Hamlet must pretend to be insane, as he plots against the sorcerer whose dragon killed Hamlet’s father and now holds the tropical kingdom of Denmark hostage! Co-stars Bambi Honeywell as Ifeelia.

5. Manticore: A tough U.S. Army squad is sent to a small Iraqi town to locate a missing news crew. What they find is the manticore, a mythic beast unleashed by a terrorist leader to protect the land from unwanted invaders. A lion with dragon’s wings and a scorpion’s tail, the manticore will give these soldiers the fight of their lives.

6. Prawn Storm!: Model-turned-singer Cindy Shazam and her bodyguard, a grizzled ex-Navy Seal with a dark secret, are stranded in a small village when their tour bus breaks down – just as a swarm of giant mutant prawns attacks! Featuring the music of Paris Hilton.

7. ADAM REX! Stalwart priest Father Dirk Studwell and exotic dancer-turned-Sunday school teacher Pamela Sweetings stumble across a gay conspiracy meeting, where couples plot to engage in monogamous lifelong relationships. But before they can stop the conspiracy they are sent back 6,000 years to Earth’s creation! With the help of early historical figures Samson and George Washington, can they stop a T-Rex from destroying the tropical garden of Eden and return to the present to set things extremely right?!

8. Dog Soldiers: A squad of British soldiers, training in an isolated Scottish glen, find lycanthropic action under a full moon. It’s werewolves vs. hardware — and more than that, it’s a gritty, naturalistic drama with relentless action and a band-of-brothers poignancy. An ensemble cast led by charismatic Brit tough-guy actors Sean Pertwee (Event Horizon, Soldier) plus “can’t-take-your-eyes-off-her” newcomer Emma Cleasby, fleshes out a taut tale of blood ‘n’ guts — in both meanings of the term.

9. Mantiwhore: In the midst of a violent vice crackdown in Los Angeles, jaded cowboy-turned-cop Jake Stone (Biff Bradley) searches for his stepsister-turned-prostitute, Shaniqua. What he finds is the mantiwhore, a mythic beast unleashed by a pimp (Tyrell Black) to punish his hos and kill nosy cops. A hot-momma lioness with dragon’s wings, a scorpion’s tail, and one hell of a body, the mantiwhore will test Jake’s courage, and force him to explore animal feelings he thought buried on the farm long, long ago.

10. Frankenfish: Medical investigator Sam Rivers is assigned to investigate murders in the Louisiana swamps. Together with beautiful biologist Mary Callahan, they soon come face to face with genetically engineered Chinese snake-heads! Between Rivers and the wealthy hunter who owns the creatures, can they catch the one that got away, or will it catch them?!

11. Alien Flood: When a comet hits the moon sending it crashing into Mexico, a giant tidal wave of illegal immigrants threatens to sweep across the southern United States. Scientists call on general contractor Tex Nails to save the day. Can he and his rag tag crew of plumbers, framers, and concrete layers build a giant wall in time to stop the flood of hard-working aliens?

12. Crimson Force: An earth crew lands on Mars in search of the ultimate power source hidden somewhere beneath the ground. What they find is a civil war between the High Priest of Mars, and the High Priestess. The crew is split apart over which side to take – can they come together in time to stop the sexy High Priestess’s secret plans to invade earth?

13. Back in Black: Muslim leader Malcom X (played by New Zealand soap star Tawera Roa) travels back to Charleston in the age of slavery to battle the true source of slavery – aliens who brainwashed the poor white slave owners into thinking slavery was cool. But he must first overcome the surprising resistance, and the heart, of beautiful dancer-turned-slave Harriet Tubman (Asian pop-star Asumi Kobayashi). Can he help the poor plantation owners in time? (Post-Production Note: “We recognize that some viewers may be offended by this film, but we assure you that we meant no offense to you, the descendents of former slave owners. Our intent was to provide an ironic example of how a Muslim extremist might have saved freedom in America – thus helping to bridge the gap between Americans and them Arab people.”)

14. Heatstroke: She’s a model, he’s an elite commando. They’re going to solve global warming — by destroying the aliens who are causing it!

15. Terra Sharka: When beautiful women are found dead and half-naked in their homes from apparent shark attacks, Oceanologist-turned-detective Gunn Rockwell must figure out what is killing them, and how it is getting into their homes without any sign of forced entry. Co-stars Chevy Chase.

16. The Phantomly Menacing: Two space knights must stop the efforts of a large Asian alien (”Asiens” for short) trade competitor with offensive mock-”Oriental” accents, who are trying to overthrow the power and sanctity of a democratic government. Will both the knights and the Asiens succumb to the dark manipulations of a dark lord using a dark force, or will hero Bar-Bar Jinks (played by Carrot Top) save the day with his whacky antics? Starring Christopher Lambert as the Space Knight, and Stephen Baldwin as his apprentice.

(Answers are in a response post below (aka back of the book).  But don’t cheat).

Your assignment: Add your own suggestions for SCI FI Original Movies, games related to them, or your thoughts in general on these lovely creations.

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