Tag Archive for zombies

A Bit of Fun with Vampires and Zombies

My riffs on the vampire and zombie trends went up at Fantasy Magazine:

Where Will the Vampire Trend End Up Next?

And My Real and Personal Zombie Fears


Swine Flu and You (and Zombies)

(From the Head of the Q.U. Crypto-Epidemiology Department)

 There’s a link to boring info-stuffery at the end, but here’s the really important stuff you should know.

 1. Check here to see if you have the Swine Flu.


2. Why are these big freakouts over diseases like Swine Flu, Mad Cow Disease, and Bird Flu a good thing, even though they end up killing fewer people annually than suffocation by getting one’s head stuck in a pickle jar? 

 Because The Zombie Apocalypse might just be avoided after all. 

That’s right. These have all been readiness drills. We are now practiced at assessing and tracking pandemics, and distributing information and medicines to combat them.  

Will some brains still get eaten when the fit hits the shan? Of course. But hopefully far fewer than would have been if the ZA had happened just ten years ago. 

Now if we can just figure a way to get the zombies to only eat those brains that aren’t being used. Like those of Hannity head nodders.


3. The U.S. government and CDC are attempting to convince everyone not to call it the Swine Flu, as that is hurting sales of pork products, and related agricultural interests. 

Pigs are fine with it, by the way.

Now while I can understand the government’s concerns, here’s the thing – they haven’t offered a snappier alternative. The 2009 H1N1 flu? Yeah, that’s going to catch on like wildfire. Just rolls of the tongue, that does. So here are a few suggested alternate names.  Feel free to add your own in the comments.

  • The HeeNee Meany flu.
  • The hUno You Know flu.
  • The Hwunie Runnies
  • The Universal Healthcare Doesn’t Sound So Bad Now Does It flu


4. When dealing with police, don’t mention concerns over swine flu. They can’t tell if you are serious or not, and will assume you need an extra ticket. Or a beat down. Depends on the country (or State, or state of your skin/caste/accent in your country or state).


5. Get some perspective. Yes, there have been 150 deaths from swine flu, all in Mexico last I read. And yes, there have been literally TENs of cases reported worldwide already!

But FYI, the regular flu is estimated to kill 250,000 to 500,000 people worldwide every year. Estimated deaths last year in the US were about 36,000. 

Does that mean you shouldn’t be careful? No. But also be careful not to be hit by a bus while fussing with your face mask as you cross the street, or slip in the shower as you madly wash off all the germs from your foray into the icky outside world.


And now, here’s the boring “need to know” info stuffery. 



Twitter Transmissions from Other Realms

Our communications technology department here at QU has picked up some strange transmissions in the ethernet. There is apparently a hot new etherapp called “Twitter” that is interfering with our mind-control transmission signals. I have included below a couple of the transmissions we intercepted. It seems each post is limited to 140 characters, which has inspired contests and bursts of creativity not seen since back when I time-travelled to ancient Japan and invented Haikus.

Twitters from the Immortal Club Men’s Room 
As transcribed by Randall Scott Henderson 

Twitter Avatar: Twitter 9.0 Transreality Communications online. Welcome ImmortalClubJanitor. [WHAT ARE YOU DOING?]

ImmortalClubJanitor: Testing. Is this thing working? Hi. My name is Ed. I clean the “male” restroom at the Immortal Club. Thought I’d try this Twitter thing.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Damn zombies. One let his bowels loose in the hall. Literally. I’m cleaning bowels from the carpet. New zombie rule – diapers or no entry

ImmortalClubJanitor: Saw Betty, she cleans the “female” restroom. One of Hestia’s brood. Fine woman, great hips. But the bosses dislike us workers fraternizing.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Damn. Eaters of Souls and Corruption Bingo night. Corruption don’t smell like roses to start; but crapped out corruption? Fuggedaboutit.

ImmortalClubJanitor: My 137th birthday today. Bosses got me a cake and a card. Big boss called me Fred. Awkward. Betty wasn’t there. Seems she quit. Damn.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Dark gods don’t even try to aim, evil bastards. I mean really, on the ceiling? Come on! I put cute bunny targets in toilet, but didn’t work.

ImmortalClubJanitor: The good gods might eat sweet smellin love, but their poo smells like a dead rat floating in rotten milk. It’s the stress. Bad for digestion

BathroomBetty: @ImmortalClubJanitor Hey Ed! Didn’t know you twittered. Remember, at least good deities are quiet and clean in the stalls. Their bowels move in mysterious ways.

ImmortalClubJanitor: @BathroomBetty Hi Bett! True. And I’d rather have Good God stink than clean digested hatred off ceramic tile once it’s dried and hardened. So where you at?


[Direct Message] BathroomBetty:I’m working for a wealthy jinn whose looking for another palace janitor. Hint, hint.

[Direct Message] ImmortalClubJanitor: Wow. Leaving this job would be hard. Been here 87 years. Job security and all. And once I burn that rainbow bridge, ain’t no going back.

[Direct Message] BathroomBetty: Yeah, well, I thought you liked my hips, big boy?

[Direct Message] ImmortalClubJanitor: You read that?

[Direct Message] BathroomBetty: And liked it 🙂 Your hips ain’t bad either. And FYI – the jinn doesn’t discourage fraternization. Just sayin. Think about it.

[Direct Message] ImmortalClubJanitor: I will. Thanks. And if you’re ever back in this dimension, look me up.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Why do good gods make bad customers? They never give tips, just sad smiles & advice to forsake the need for worldly goods. Yeah, thanks bud.

ImmortalClubJanitor: Vamps. Act all royal & snotty. But ever smelled blood digested thru dead guts? Redefines ‘something crawled inside and died.’ I need a raise

ImmortalClubJanitor: Bosses laughed about the raise. And they’re making us pay for our own coffee now. Company cost cutting. Bastards.

[YOUR DIRECT MESSAGES] [Direct Message] ImmortalClubJanitor: Betty, get them hips ready, ’cause here I come.

Twitter Avatar: ImmortalClubJanitor session terminated.

Your Assignment: Share any interesting twitters you’ve intercepted to assist our technicians in analyzing this phenomenon, or your thoughts on the twitter craze in general.