(Warning: While it would be impossible to “spoil” something as mind-numbingly boring or inherently rotten as The Happening, I suppose I should warn you that reading this may tip you off to the movie’s “secrets.” Although, of course, the movie’s secrets are not as plausible as the real events described below. So read on. Really. You won’t regret knowing.)
It seems that some of the sentient plants intended for delivery to our Crypto-Genetics Lab were accidentally delivered to our Culinary Arts department (who “employ” a large army of leprechauns in the basement making food products for sale to various grocery chains).
As a result, many a contaminated product has been shipped to various stores and markets under our generic “store brand” labels.
We’ve traced the delivery mixup back to a rhododendron plant in Mrs. Pennywhistle’s yard, north Kitsap, Washington, which apparently placed a call to the delivery people and claimed to be me. My staff says it does a great impression of me. I don’t see it.
Anyway, clearly the delivery error was no accident, but rather a deliberate retaliation by nature.
You see, nature is angry that we have not done enough to protect Mother Earth and its vegetation.
If eaten, the sap of these sentient plants mixes with digestive enzymes to create a neurotoxin, which causes the eater to break wind.
Beware the wind!
The stench is enough to make you kill yourself. Seriously. Hundreds of people have already bought the farm, and it wasn’t pretty.
Although it was kind of cool. I mean, we couldn’t help but stand around and watch.
One guy, he killed himself with a blender. And not a giant blender either, just a regular “make me a mudslide” blender, so it was kind of messy, and slow. But we all were impressed with his level of commitment and perseverance. I believe his final words were, “Lawn mowers are for wusses.”
Another one jumped off a roof. But it wasn’t very high, and he just broke his legs. So, you know, we had to take shifts watching him croak there on the lawn. It got a bit annoying towards the end, what with him whining about thirst and all, and one freshman actually tried to stop and help him (what is society coming to, I ask you?). But it was satisfyingly tragic all the same.
And the third person, well, she watched The Happening fifteen times in a row.
So, hey, Nature, message received. Consider us warned.
That is why I am starting a campaign to end the rapacious destruction of vegetation — by supporting efforts to wipe out pandas. And koala bears. And lambs. And giraffes. And definitely bunnies, the greedy little bastards.
Share your thoughts on The Happening, on what plants think or feel, or on the many ways nature will certainly destroy us in the end. For extra credit, provide a yummy vegetarian recipe.