Tag Archive for humor

The Real 2016 Election Map

I created this handy election map in case folks were trying to understand where we stand.
Polls show that much of the blue areas are due to Hobbit, High Elvish and Good Wizard influence, thus the movement to #unmakethe3rings that gave the elves and Gandalf power to influence the vote, and the push to send all Hobbits back to the Shire and build a wall around them.
Per Sauron, “It would be great. It wouldn’t even have to be a tall wall. Have you seen the Hobbits? Even smaller than those fat ugly dwarves. But believe me folks, there’s nothing small about me.”
Middle Earth Election 2016
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Finn Fancy 3 Cover: Smells Like Finn Spirit!

Two big bits of news for book 3, Smells Like Finn Spirit:

First off, revised Finn 3 has been officially delivered to my editor!  And I am so proud of it.  Of course, I’m biased, but honestly there are just so many parts I can’t wait for people to read — funny moments, emotional moments, fantastical moments, moments that made me tear up or laugh on my own re-read — and I think that’s a pretty good sign.  It has more of the humor of Finn Fancy Necromancy, and expands on the world building of Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free, with some deep character moments I think reflect all I’ve learned as a writer while working on these books, and it completes a nice three book arc (with seeds for future books of course should Tor buy more).  Not trying to sound braggy, or like I think so much of my skill or anything, I just am proud of what I created, and feeling pretty happy about being a writer right now.

And second, COVER REVEAL!  Thanks to the awesome Peter Lutjen!

Smells Like Finn Spirit

 

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Important Update: All the Awards I’m Going to Win in 2016!

It’s award nomination time!  AND THANK GAWD, I don’t need to ask you fine folks to nominate or vote for me or anything, because I already know all the awards I’m going to win this year.  The people behind the people behind the scenes have told me I’m a shoe-in.  So here’s the list.  Don’t be jealous.

 

2016 Locus Award for “Best Use of Magical 80’s Tech versus PTA Blood Witches”: (magical Casio calculator watch) from Finn Fancy Necromancy, by Randy Henderson.

2016 Locus Awardish Finn Fancy Necromancy

 

 

2016 Ricky for Best Line to Read in an Alan Rickman Voice*: “Bloody Mary, and make it as spicy as Shakira shaking her hips in a jalapeño field, please.” From Finn Fancy Necromancy, by Randy Henderson.

2016 Ricky Award

 

2016 Nebula for: Depiction of Gnomes Almost Awesome Enough to Make Us Forget the Travesty that was Gnomeo and Juliet:  Finn Fancy Necromancy, by Randy Henderson.

2016 Nebula Award Finn Fancy Necromancy

 

The 2016 Ziggy Award for Four Completely Random Lines of Dialogue from a Novel Best Sung Together like a Ziggy Stardust Song:

“Feet too, Stormer,” I said.  “You’re a loner, a rebel.”

“He drew me close and snuffled my head, surrounding me with his musky cedar scent.”

“I like that you look at me like I’m still that girl who didn’t know The Clash from The Cure.”

And Petey said,

“I took your Pacman watch.”

All lines from: Finn Fancy Necromancy by Randy Henderson

2016 Ziggy Award for Best Novel Lines

 

2016 Hugo for Best Novel Idea about Use of a Hugo: “Condom demonstration prop in sexual education class for cyborgs“, submitted by Randy Henderson, author of Finn Fancy Necromancy.**

2016 Hugo

 

Now I suppose if you have an empty slot after you realize that City of Stairs was 2014, and All the Birds in the Sky is 2016, you can actually add Finn Fancy Necromancy to your nomination ballot.  Not that I have any expectation of winning but oh boy could I have some fun pretending like I might for that brief month or so.

 

Or if not me, you can add your deserving-writer-friend-whose-book-you-haven’t-read-yet-because-let’s-face-it-it-just-isn’t-your-thing-and-you-have-so-much-to-read-already-but-you’re-sure-they-are-a-great-writer-and-wonderful-human-being.  That’s cool too.  That’s what I’ll probably do with that last slot on my own ballots.

(On a completely unrelated note, I define “deserving-writer-friends…” as folks who have eligible works for award nomination and happen to take me to a delicious meal and/ or offer a really good neck and shoulder massage.  Just saying.  No reason.)

 

There.  Done.  Phew.  Now I don’t have to do all that uncomfortable promotiony stuff about awards for the next several months.

 

PS:  All joking and Finn Fancy aside, you really should nominate the stuff you read and liked in 2015.  Those folks worked hard, are no doubt mired in Imposter Syndrome, and it really makes them feel good to have that work validated by nominations.

 

Ending Soonish Nomination details:

If you are a SFWA member, you can nominate for the Nebula Award until February 15th. Note the word-counts when nominating.  And you can also nominate for the Andre Norton award for YA books as well.

If you’re a member of the 2015, 2016, or 2017 WorldCons, you can nominate for the Hugo awards.  You’ll need your membership number (emailed to you by MidAmeriCon if you’re registered for 2016, or by Sasquan if you went 2015 but not going 2016).  And you’ll need a PIN, emailed to you by MidAmeriCon (and if you haven’t received it by Feb 5th you’re supposed to email them at hugopin@midamericon2.org).

 

Have fun!  And good luck to all the amazing authors who really do deserve an award.  I’ll probably list a few suggestions when I find the time again.

 

Cheers!

 

*You know you tried it.

**EDIT NOTE: I realized upon re-reading my post that the Hugo bit may be seen as me devaluing or desecrating the Hugo, a sensitive topic after last year.  Just wanted to say that’s not the case, I think the Hugos are awesome, and hope truly great works and good folks win the awards this year.  Left the joke though.  🙂

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Real or Not Real: Horrible Santa Movies

Santa Claus has starred in a lot of movies. I can only assume he uses the money from his acting gigs to upgrade his workshop, what with technology always advancing. Hard to build iPods with chisels, ya know?

But, sadly, not all of his movies are good.

Happy He-Man Holidays!

Here are some examples of the not-so-great ones. Some I made up. Some are real movies. And some I made up, and then found out they were real movies. How sad.

See if you can guess which are real, and which are bogus (answers are at the end). And just so the existence of hyperlinks does not give away which are the real ones, the false movies are linked to random Christmas-related material as well. If you are reading this at work, be aware that the YouTube videos will auto-start.

Enjoy.


1. SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)

Let’s just get this one right out of the way. A highly underrated classic that is often (unfairly) cited as the worst Christmas movie ever. But like all of the best science fiction, it was prophetic, with the Martian society reflecting our own future society. Children are treated as adults in small bodies, and medicated with sleep spray when they get too precocious. The concerns of the anti-hero, Voldar, predicted modern issues around the impacts that mass production of frivolous goods have had on our society. If the deep philosophical themes of this film had been taken to heart, it may well have helped us to avoid our current financial crises as caused by credit consumerism.

Indeed, I believe that history will mark this as one of the most important films of the 20th century.

Okay, sure, they have a robot made of a cardboard box and duct tubing. But come on, who’s to say someday we won’t build disposable robots exactly like that, huh? Again, just further proof that this move was revolutionary in its visionizing.

Speaking of Santa battling aliens …

2. SVP (SANTA VS. PREDATOR) (2004)

Santa’s elves, while searching for frozen cookie dough in the tundra of the North Pole, discover a space ship buried in the ice. They are soon plunged into Jingle Hell as a newly awakened Predator begins stalking Santa’s workshop and killing off its inhabitants one by one. But the Predator may have met its match, because Santa is no ordinary prey. If you liked the toy battle scenes from “Toys” or “Small Soldiers,” the body count of every Rambo movie combined, and the taste of Play-Doh, you’ll love this film. For those who are considering watching this with their children, be warned: the final scene, in which the Predator is lured into a giant Hungry Hungry Hippo pit and ripped apart by massive lunging Hippo heads, is particularly terrifying and bloody. Starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as Santa Claus.

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New Scifi Christmas Classics!

Due to cutbacks, the PsyPhy Network’s Holiday Classics Crappy Remake Department and their Scifi Classics Cheesy Remake Department have been merged. Here are some of the resulting projects that are now in various stages of production.

A Charlie Brown War of the Worldsmas

Good grief! Aliens invade the earth, and not even Linus’s nuclear-blue slanket can stop them. Charlie Brown tries to escape his new alien masters, but is caught, and Woodstock is roasted as punishment. Charlie is admonished by Lucy (“Charlie, you bonehead! You’ll get us all killed!”), and then is sent out by his masters to fetch biological samples for preservation.

worldsmasCharlie wanders the wasteland that is the invasion’s aftermath, where he discovers his old bioengineered smartpet Snoopy decorating a bomb shelter, and mutant children with abnormally large heads try to capture falling ashes on their tongues for the meager nutrients. At last he stumbles across a group of children huddled in a school auditorium where they sing Christmas carols in the hopes that Santa Claus will save them from the aliens. Inspired to teach the aliens the spirit of Christmas, Charlie takes one of the last surviving pine trees back to the mothership. The aliens quickly succumb to Pine Needle Scale (Chionaspis pinifoliae) and all die, whereupon everyone cheers Charlie Brown as a hero.

Original Classics: A Charlie Brown Christmas & War of the Worlds

The Year that Santa Claus Stood Still

Nobody believes in Santa, so Santa refuses to go anywhere on Christmas Eve. Klatu the elf goes into town with his little reindeer, Gortzen, to give humans one last chance to prove themselves worthy of Christmas. When Klatu is shot and Gortzen is captured by local scientists, it is up to Missus Claus to seek the aid of the Heat Miser, Snow Miser, and Mother Earth to convince the nations of the world to unite in a promise of Christmas cheer, or else die beneath the floods of melted polar ice. In the end, children and grownups everywhere are shouting, “We believe in you Santa! Please, for the love of egg nog, we believe in you!”

Original Classics: The Year without a Santa Claus & The Day the Earth Stood Still

Frosty the Snow Blob

Astrophysicist Professor Hinkle is laughed out of a scientific convention when he claims that his crystal Mayan helmet is really an alien communications device. Frustrated, he throws it away. A group of children find it, and put it on a snowman they made. The snowman promptly comes to life, proclaiming, “Happy birthday! Resistance is futile!” Frosty immediately rolls over the children, absorbing them and growing in size faster than a snowball rolling downhill. Soon, the entire town is threatened, as the snowblob picks up everything in its path like a Christmas Katamari Dam-Icy. Only Santa, a saintly alien who had been guarding against the return of the Frostarians, can stop the snowblob. But can even his vaunted powers succeed?

Original Classics: Frosty the Snow Man & The Blob

Rudolph and This Island Earth of Misfit Toys 2

Rudolph is gifted a bizarre Build a Radio kit. After using his nose to power it he receives a message to fly to the mysterious Island of Misfit Toys, where he finds his old pal Hermey the Elf already there. Rudolph and Hermey are beamed onto a saucer sled by the winged lion Exeter and flown to the planet Northpolia, where they learn that the Northpolians are in danger from the evil Toytakerons.

The Northpolians hope to develop a new weapon to defend their planet before it is destroyed entirely – and the mysterious energy source of Rudolph’s nose is their best hope. But the Toytakerons begin a final assault, bombarding the planet with cheap plastic crap from Christmases past. Rudolf and Hermey battle the abominable snowbrain — a hideous creature made of white fur and a giant exposed brain – and then escape back to earth where they support an entire new merchandising line of toys and Christmas ornaments happily ever after.

Although originally scripted for a 90 minute movie, the actual planned film has been shortened to 17 minutes to allow for more commercial breaks.

Original Classics: Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys & This Island Earth

How the Grinch Snatched Bodies

The Grinch, fed up with Whys in Whysville and their constant laughing and singing and playing games during the holidays, sneaks into everyone’s homes and plants grinchpods in their basements. The pods open in the night and send forth creatures that take over the Whys’ sleeping bodies.

grinchsnatcher

Soon, the Grinchified are stripping all personal joy and meaning out of the season, proposing white elephant exchanges of practical household goods even for personal family gatherings, jetting between holiday parties like club hopping celebrities, declaring themselves sick of holiday songs due to mall music inundation, and taking this year to really focus on themselves since they go all out on others every other year. But one Why, Mindy Ly Why, wakes in the night and realizes what is happening, and attempts to stop it. Will she find others who have not been Grinchified and avoid getting caught? Can she succeed in restoring true holiday spirit? Or will she end up as roast beast?

Original Classics: How the Grinch Stole Christmas & Invasion of the Body Snatchers

When Nestor’s Worlds Collide

Nestor the long eared donkey is horrified when his mother (and several national monuments) are smote by falling meteors. He is taken in by a kind pregnant woman, who is a message courier and needs a reliable method of transportation. She delivers messages between three wise scientists and learns that they have spotted a star in the sky – a star that is rapidly getting closer and is destined to consume the earth in fire. They manage to build a spacecraft, an ark of sorts, to carry a select group of humans to the new planet that is orbiting the coming star of doom.

Oh no! The ship is all full, with no seats for the pregnant woman! But wait — the kind-hearted pilot allows the woman and Nestor to stay in the cargo hold with the livestock and supplies. A child is born as the ship lands on the new planet. The child is named Hope, and seen as a symbol of a fresh start – but will she truly be a herald of hope, or will she only help to carry the bigotries, fears, and superstitions of the human race into the new world?

Only the sequel will tell.

Original Classics: Nestor the Long Eared Donkey & When Worlds Collide

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I originally published this on Fantasy Magazine

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Fun Little AMA on /r/Fantasy

While at Sasquan, I sat at the /r/Fantasy table for a bit and participated in a live AMA (Ask Me Anything).  It was short, but I had a lot of fun with it, as is obvious from my answers 🙂

Here’s the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/Fantasy/comments/3hwhal/sasquan_ama_melting_your_face_off_randy_henderson/

 

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San Andreas the Oscar Contender

WHAT? I looked at the critic reviews for San Andreas on Fandango and was surprised to see this as the first review:

“The film is so unusually moving and penetrating because it refuses to cloud its emotions in distancing irony, anger, or nihilism.”

WHAT? Is this movie completely more interesting and deeper than I assumed? ::Scrolls through more reviews:: Oh. Nope. Fandango is showing reviews for Sisterhood of Night on the San Andreas page by accident. What a DISASTER! And totally Fandango’s FAULT for misleading me! (HA! Get it? Disaster? Fault? Oh man, I slay myself). But seriously, I’m sure this will be an incredible emotional journey exploring the human condition and explosions and shite. So I was inspired to create an updated movie poster.

San Andreas the Drama

Only the Rock could truly explore the depths of the San Andreas.

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Happy August Day!

Happy August Day!  Don’t forget to dress like Caesar Augustus and sacrifice a bull to Mithras!  Wait, that is a thing on August Day, isn’t it?  If not, it should be.  And then it would evolve into sacrificing all bull, meaning you cannot tell a lie on August day.  Then that would drive a whole slew of greeting cards with lies in them you can hand out instead of speaking lies and to make a joke by it really being true (You look great!).  And then Christianity would co-opt it and declare August 1st the day that Peter denied Christ and therefore no lie shall be told on Peter’s Day.  And …anyway, happy August day!

 

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Occupy Writing: Art Book Covers

Art Book Cover with Story

I’m starting Occupy Writing.
First Item: Novels have art on the cover. Why don’t art books have flash fiction on the cover?! UNFAIR!

I’m talking a nice, white cover with black print, featuring an original short story intended to sum up the entirety of the artwork within, yet oddly is always titled something like “Sexy Tattooed Woman with a Weapon Battles Dragon” or similar?

 

Let’s make this happen folks!

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Adventures in Writing: Episode 1

I made a little superhero movie about writing. More to follow. Enjoy 🙂

View it at the xtranormal website

 

Or watch after the jump:

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