Unable to control my curiosity, I jumped ahead in time to see how the new Star Trek Reboot series would progress.
As it turns out, a resurgence of the Cowboy aesthetic in America (ala the 70’s) and the peak of the Steampunk literary and fashion trends will have a heavy influence on the direction of the franchise as they transport the series into an alternate timeline where the difference engine and manifest destiny lead to an accelerated path to space exploration.
Poor Joss. If only he’d launched Firefly in 2015, it would have become the longest running sci fi series ever.
Here’s some things I noted about future Star Trek Reboot films and series (of course, the trauma of time travel may have scrambled a few facts, but I’m pretty sure I remember these correctly):
1. Mudflaps with chrome naked ladies are hung from the warp nacelles.
2. Dilithium coal superheats the warp vat, producing "anti-steam" that, when combined with steam, powers the ship’s warp drive.
3. Scotty keeps an endless, secret stash of Romulan Chew.
4. "Fire the photon steam-pedos!"
5. Kirk, the greatest hand-to-hand fighter ever seen, is constantly being challenged for his Wrestling Federation of Planets Belt.
6. Dirigible shuttlecraft, and clockwork shuttle-horses.
7. There is increased racial tension on the bridge whenKirk insists on putting the Dixie flag above the Federation symbol.
8. "Doc" McCoy is one of the deadliest gunslingers on the ship (and one heck of a gambler). "Well ain’t you a Tigarian daisy."
9. A crewmember’s rank and department is indicated by the height and color of their top hat or stetson.
10. Instead of constantly adjusting his uniform top when he stands, "Tex" Picard adjusts the sock in his black denim pants.
11. Dee Dee Troy is grabbed by the crew, given a buzz cut, forced to down three beer bong shots, then stranded on a deserted planet, because many of the male crew members absolutely DO NOT want to get in touch with their feelings.
Riker, however, does pause to mention how much she resembled Barbara Streisand in Yentl with her hair all short like that.
He is promptly beaten.
12. In Star Trek Reboot IV: The Voyage Home Again, the crew returns to earth of the past to bring two bovine cows back to the future so that they can be “real” cowboys. However, upon reaching the past, they discover that even then most “cowboys” had never touched a real cow. Disappointed, they take a pair of Freightliner trucks back instead.
13. The Federation is dependent on Romulan Dilithium coal reserves, ravaged by horrible poverty and unemployement rates, and under constant criticism from all other races for polluting the universe with their S.U.V.s (Shuttlecrafts Using V-8s), which max-out at warp 2 and only get 14 lightyears per gallon of water.
Whoopie Goldburg’s character, “sensing” that reality has been shifted somehow, investigates and discovers that Romulan agents went back in time and helped George Bush Jr. become an earth American president in the 20th century, thus setting technological and environmental advancement back immeasurably.
She is able to finally prove to the crew that they are in the alternate, evil reality because shortly after the Romulans arrived and began establishing their mind-control transmissions (disguised as right-wing conservative radio shows) circa 1992, most of the men started wearing goatees.
And now, here is a steampunk Star Trek for your enjoyment:
And here’s the new theme song:
